Physically: Hanover, Md.
Emotionally: On a roller coaster
On October 12, 2008, I wrote this letter to God:
Remember me? It’s been awhile, right? I know…I haven’t called recently. I should have. I was low on minutes. Short on time. Busy with my friends. Mad at you. Yeah, I’ve been giving you the cold shoulder. I guess it’s no secret. But you understand why….
Haven’t you ever trusted someone, and then felt like they did something that really hurt you….and they did it on purpose, because it was “all part of their plan,” or something like that? BUT IT STILL FUCKING HURT YOU!? You know, you did that to me. And I wanted to show you what it was like. So, I made my own plans. I know you trusted me to follow you, like I always had in the past. I stopped. You trusted me to worship in your house on Sundays. Yeah, I stopped that too. You trusted that I’d keep following your commandments, doing your will, seeking your guidance. Of course you trusted it. I promised I would. And I stopped. Like I was teaching you a lesson. Showing you how it feels.
God, I’m an idiot. We both know that. And many people would agree with us (my old chemistry teacher, my current supervisor, my cat: they all agree that I am an idiot). What I do doesn’t always make sense. But on some level, I must think it does. Truthfully, I know that I can’t make you walk in my shoes. I can’t show you how much you hurt me by hurting you the same. But that’s my instinct.
Did I really surprise you? Probably not. I still hope that I might have. That you never suspected your devoted daughter would stray as I have. If you saw this coming, I’m ashamed. I surprised myself…..yeah, I doubt I surprised you.
Look, I’m going to try harder. I’m going to come back. Just not right now. I think I just need to cool down for a few. I’m not ready to deal with you. I’m not ready to deal with your anger or disappointment, and completely incapable of accepting your love right now. I don’t think anything would burn as much as love, acceptance and kindness.
I just wanted to let you know. I’m on my way back. I just need my space. I need to be mad. And when I’m ready to stop being mad, I’ll come home.
Sorry I used the F-word in a letter to you.
I told you I was mad.
I’m re-sending it, and this time I’m CC’ing the Communion of Saints.
I feel like I’m running around with my ears plugged yelling, “Na Na Na Na” (or something as equally mature and eloquent). I feel this physical-in-the-pit-of-the-bottom-of-my-chest NEED to reconnect to my faith – and my will is weak. And I’m aware of it.
And…I might as well be back in October 2008.
pause for sad sigh
But there is HoPe. I’ve joined a Small Church Community group through St. Thomas Moore Catholic Church. Now, I just need to actively go. I’m thirsting for intelligent, challenging, spiritual conversation. Parched, even. Why would I continue to deny myself?
Why not seek a spiritual companion, rather than sit in the corner of a coffee shop, nose in a book of NYT Crosswords, and wait for Mr. Tall/Dark/Handsome to hand me a triple-shot white chocolate Americano and ask permission to engage me in stimulating conversation about life, love, God and truth?
pause for swoon at the very idea…..Swooooon
pause for dramatic effect
I don’t think I love myself enough to seek.