Public Service Announcement – Dating

I just got asked out for coffee….again.

What is it, boys don’t ask girls out for dinner or shows anymore? Coffee, really? I don’t want to sound like I’m not appreciative, I am, I really am. But I think coffee has become a cliched cop-out. Boys, you need help, and I’m happy to throw my two cents in here. I’ll pause a moment while you grab pen and paper – you are going to want to take notes.

1. Cliched Coffee Date – A just coffee date says you are either cheap or you are afraid of me.

Cheap – Paying $2.95 for my Americano isn’t what it takes to make a girl swoon nowadays. If you don’t have the money for a nice dinner, why not ask me to join you for a picnic or go for a hike or ice skating? You don’t need to roll out the big bills to wow this girl, but some creative thought would take you a long way.

Scaredy Cat – If you don’t think you can handle sitting across from me at the dinner table without things getting painfully awkward or without you feeling the need to chew your arm off and escape, you should seriously re-consider asking me out in the first place.  But, if you are just worried about scoring some good conversation time without the paranoia of getting cilantro stuck in your tooth, why not suggest meeting for a drink instead? Or ice cream? Or taking a trip to the museum. If it’s the conversation you have doubts about, why not suggest going to see a comedy show?

Bottom line: Coffee is getting dull. It’s all anyone seems to do nowadays. Think outside the box if you want to be memorable.

2. Mr. Manners – I hear boys don’t open doors for girls anymore because this “crazy feminist girl” screamed at them for doing it this one time.

Who is this girl, and where does she live? How has she affected so many men in our generation? I think she’s made up – an idea that men are now using to excuse themselves of their gallant duties.

Just because I am physically capable of opening my own door, doesn’t mean I should ever have to do so. Men, please hold doors for women. We appreciate it, we really do. I have never met one woman who thought it was demeaning or insulting. Really, we’re not expecting you to throw your cloak across a mud puddle to safeguard our slippers (I mean, unless we’re strolling around in Prada or something….) but we notice when you GO OUT OF YOUR WAY to open a door, walk on the outside of the street and allow us to order first (ordering for us is another topic for another date – haha get it?)

Bottom Line: It’s not antiquated ideals of chivalry, it’s simply being polite. We take note. It’s impressive.

3. Texting – When in doubt, don’t do it. I appreciate a funny text from a friend. I understand in the dynamic steps to meeting up, a quick text message can be practical and useful. But don’t get too cozy with the idea too quickly. I know you could be texting any number of girls at one time. It doesn’t make me feel special – it makes me wonder who else might be on your back burner. It makes me think you are lazy or with your other girlfriend or too scared to call. Just call. If I don’t answer, leave a message. Let go of the idea that calling makes you look pathetic. Honestly, calling works just as it did in middle school – the first ring of the phone and your heart skips a beat. If you are trying to impress me, it’s a good thing to make my heart skip from time to time.

Bottom line: Man up and call.

4. Paying for stuff – I don’t care if I make more money than you. Pay for stuff.

Look, I’m not going all “Santa Baby” on you. Sure, I’m eyeballing that Tiffany’s Charm Bracelet. But do I expect it on our first date? Haha, only if you take me on a date to Tiffany’s, sucker! Seriously, if you pick up the tab, it tells me that you are trying to impress me. If you do it with some class, it works! As long as you let me treat to little things now and then and don’t hold how much money you just dropped on me over my head, you can expect your investment to reap grand rewards. By treating me to a night out, you are telling me that you appreciate my time.

Bottom line: Stay within your means, but for goodness’ sake, don’t go dutch on a $26 lunch bill.

5. Kissing – This is my favorite part. Thomas Carlyle said, “If you are ever in doubt as to whether or not to kiss a pretty girl, always give her the benefit of the doubt.” That’s it. If you want to kiss me at the end of the date (or really any time during said date) go for it! Aggressively. Now, I’m not talking morph into the Hulk and pin me up against the wall (there’s a time and a place for that….) but recently, I’ve noticed guys leaning in with their arms out for a hug at the end of the date and after I pull away, they’ll keep their hand expectantly on my shoulder. Truthfully, that passive hand gets shrugged off as I walk away. Yuck. You are men. Act like it. If you are unsure – play Gone With The Wind and pay close attention. Rhett Butler had some mad game.

If you don’t kiss me, I assume you don’t find me attractive and mentally start moving on to other options. If you are going to kiss me, though, kiss me like you mean it. Pull me into you (I’ll naturally tilt my head up and my lips will part as I gasp in surprise at the neanderthal-type energy you’ve displayed) and plant one on me. Kiss softly, deeply, passionately. Kisses are powerful, why waste one? Make me lose my breath, my balance, my bearings, my mind. Send me away with a dumb grin on my face and a pep in my step.  Kiss me like a soldier going away to war. Kiss me like its our last chance to feel. Kiss me epically, or a kiss will be nothing more than, ” the anatomical juxtapositiontof two orbicularis oris muscles in a state of contraction.” (Henry Gibbons) I don’t think Henry Gibbons knew how to epically kiss a woman.

Bottom line: Kissing – go for it.


In Summary:

Gentlemen, we are in the age of equality. Absolutely. However, women should not be expected to “woo ourselves.” Seriously.


About ermodi

i like champagne and nachos. i watch people’s mouths move when they talk to me and judge if they are a good kisser i like to write with fine-tip Sharpies because i think it makes me look confident i bite my nails i think doing the dishes is a very lonely chore i think “autumn” is the prettiest word in the English language. i believe in love – or, at least something that resembles love, but i don’t trust this idea of forever.
This entry was posted in Advice of the Solicited and Un Kind, Featured and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Public Service Announcement – Dating

  1. T says:

    I am very tempted to send this link to a certain someone…

  2. T says:

    But… I do like coffee. And sometimes, you might be the one who wants it to end. Coffee is good for that. And it’s just good. Coffee? Yes.

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