Drinking and De-Friending on a Wednesday Night

The Non-Distance Relationship Story.


Last week, around 10:30 p.m. I noticed a missed call from Sailor Ryan.  I hadn’t heard from the Sailor in weeks! He was in the very bad habit of calling me at 2:30 a.m. So, I had been ignoring him, obviously, since I was sleeping.  However, being awake when he called, I decided to call him back.

We started off with standard small talk. Sailor Ryan  drove me a little bit crazy with his small talk, but I felt like he was a “nice” guy. I’m calling him quotation-nice-quotation because he spent several months professing his unrequited and unrelenting love to me. Now, since we’d only met in a bar once (and since I was a lady, one who was spoken for at the time, nothing happened), his feelings were largely rooted in my Facebook persona and a few phone conversations. Therefore, my friends used “creep” and “stalker” instead of “nice,” but, I find it usually flattering to hear how amazing I am, so I stuck with “nice” as my standard descriptor.

Naturally, though, I’m skeptical. I spend 90% of my time thinking I’m too smart for love and the other 10% stupidly in love. In my lucid time, I tend not to believe in long distance relationships (did I mention he was in Alaska and I was in Connecticut?)  Call me cynical or unromantic or whatever, IN MY EXPERIENCE, people stay together until someone “better” comes along. So, I never got swept off my feet with Sailor Ryan. Plus, he didn’t speak my love language, which is a huge chemistry-block for me. I am 100% a “gifts” person:

  • Receiving Gifts

    Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures.

Sailor Ryan (clearly) is not a gifts person. I would classify his love language as empty words and text messages. Or, to be diplomatic, he is a “Words of Affirmation” guy.

  • Words of Affirmation

    Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.

You can see a conflict, yes? I don’t buy words; the Sailor doesn’t buy anything. Really, I don’t ask for much as far as “gifts” go- all I needed was for him to write me (I love getting letters!), and he probably would have done a bit of sweeping me off my feet. Nonetheless, that didn’t happen and I stayed firmly grounded. Thank God.

Because that night turned into the strangest phone conversation of my life.

Sailor Ryan led with,”What was the best part of your week?”

I rolled my eyes. I felt like I was talking to a distant uncle that didn’t “get me.” One that never took the time to really listen to me, so he didn’t understand me or why him asking that question in the specific tone of voice he used made me feel as if rats were kickboxing against my intestinal lining. I provided the obligatory peppy answer and asked him how things had been going in his neck of the woods.

“Oh, just wonderful!” he says

“Hm. That’s good.” I say

“I climbed 8,000 feet today.” He says

“That’s cool.” I agree.

“Yeah. And I’m in love!” He says

“Oh? Yeah?” (I’m still not paying much attention).

“Yeah, I mean, it’s amazing and wonderful and just so perfect. So wonderfully perfect.”

“Well, that’s good to hear. Congratulations.”  I started paying attention. He can’t still be talking about being in love with me, can he?

“Yeah. It’s perfect. And Amazing!”

Yeah, you said that.

And then he goes all Geyser-in-Yellowstone about love on me:

“It just came out of nowhere. I mean, completely unexpected and totally unplanned. But I’m in love and it’s amazing. She’s amazing. It’s just so wonderful, but we certainly didn’t plan it. It just totally came out of nowhere, took me by surprise, I mean. Yeah. I mean, well, you know how love goes, right?”

*Key inner bitch* I answer, “Umm no.

He stalls. And stutters.

*Key inner sweetheart* “Well, I’m really happy to hear that things are working out for you, Sailor Ryan.” WHY THE HELL ARE WE HAVING THIS CONVERSATION?

“Yeah, it’s just amazing and wonderful” (MY GOD, SOMEONE GET THE MAN AN EFFING THESAURUS ALREADY!) “but, oh, hey sweetheart, that’s my work phone, I gotta go. I’ll call you later.”

“Yeah…later…” dazed and confused


I didn’t know what to think. I was laughing my head off – I mean, that was completely out of the blue. But I also kinda felt like crap. I just didn’t understand why the Sailor had to call me and blabber on and on about this new wonderful girl he loves.

1. We were not dating, so it wasn’t like he needed to come clean with me.
2. I wasn’t pursuing him, so he didn’t need to send me the “I’m off the market” memo.
3. We hadn’t talked in weeks! How much easier is it to just not talk for forever?

Honestly, I was happy for him and glad the pressure to think about visiting Alaska was off my shoulders. Not to mention, being loved and adored, even from a distance can get quite exhausting and make one very irritable at times. Still, I felt like a puppy whose nose had just been rubbed in something very stinky. *crinkles nose at the very memory of it*

I de-friended him on Facebook.

Sometimes things don’t make much sense to me. I guess Plato got it best when he said, “Love is a grave mental disease.”

About ermodi

i like champagne and nachos. i watch people’s mouths move when they talk to me and judge if they are a good kisser i like to write with fine-tip Sharpies because i think it makes me look confident i bite my nails i think doing the dishes is a very lonely chore i think “autumn” is the prettiest word in the English language. i believe in love – or, at least something that resembles love, but i don’t trust this idea of forever.
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9 Responses to Drinking and De-Friending on a Wednesday Night

  1. Lindsay says:

    Ahhh hahaha I love the graphic at the bottom of this post!!! I want to see one of those every time you choose to unfriend someone – and a story to go along with it..

    Like I said to you before – men are completely and entirely stupid. They have no idea that the world doesn’t really care about their instant happiness. This happened to me a few years back when I was just out of high school – i get a call from a guy I really liked who was all “in love” and the weird part – he went ON and ON about how alike me and his new love are.. weird?? yes!

    Men.. theyre stupid.. except for mine ❤ matty


  2. T says:

    1: this joker falls in love WAY too easily. Which means he is oblivious to the subtle intricacies of true love.
    2: thank god his new 8,000 ft love will keep him distracted from you. Stalking secured.
    3: facebook de-friending is a favorite pastime of mine. There is nothing better than de-cluttering: that goes for closets, desks, glove boxes, bikini areas, and virtual friends.


  3. Pingback: Billy Joel Gets It - notme2night.com

  4. oh, sad, and stupid love! that’s why my therapist taught me to NEVER answer the phone after 9pm 😉


  5. Jan says:

    You relate the sadness with such hilarity it is almost disguised. He is sad indeed to not have known what is the right way to love a woman….maybe his silly babble is enough for the new love of his life, at least for now. You my dear, need not worry. Pick yourself up and move away from the stalker and enjoy your day to day spots of sunshine. And like Linda says don’t answer the phone after 9pm….<3<3<3


  6. Haha I enjoyed reading about your phone conversation with Sailor Ryan, Maureen. I also learned something about love from your post… I think I’m the type of person who falls for guys who gives me “Words Of Affirmation.” But after reading your post, I realized receiving gifts is important, because it shows a guy’s thoughtfulness. And yes, Sailor Ryan IS a creep hehe

    Thank you for sharing, Maureen! Take care and God bless! 🙂


  7. I’m so glad I discovered your blog. This post was hilarious and real. Some of my favorite lines:

    “Call me cynical or unromantic or whatever, IN MY EXPERIENCE, people stay together until someone “better” comes along.” – WOW! I ? you for being so raw! Not too many people would admit this!

    “I spend 90% of my time thinking I’m too smart for love and the other 10% stupidly in love.” LOL! YES!

    “I just didn’t understand why the Sailor had to call me and blabber on and on about this new wonderful girl he loves.” – Been there, done that and was as equally annoyed as you were!

    I will return! Love your voice! 🙂



  8. Would I be wrong in feeling a bit sorry for Sailor Ryan…the boy is lonely and so ready to fall in love? Have you blocked his number on your phone yet? 😉


  9. Ermodi says:

    haha, thanks for the comments ladies! I haven’t blocked his number on my phone yet, Corinne, but I did delete it and I haven’t heard from him much recently. Which is good. I’ve been a little too busy anyway!


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