Most girls will tell you that they want to marry their best friend. When I think of my best (guy) friends, I think….cooties. No, I could not marry them.
No offense, Jon&Sean.
While I am very close to both Sean&Jon and I love them very much (Ref. Friendship Exhibit A below):
I could not marry either one of them. I want to marry someone who wakes up next me me every morning feeling like the luckiest bastard who ever lived because he snagged a catch like me – not someone who wakes up next to me and can’t wait to burp in my face.
Jon&Sean are great guys. I’d follow both of them to the ends of the earth or to Louie’s Pizza. I would do just about anything for these guys – I’d lend them gas money, designate drive for them, clean their puke, dye their mohawks, keep them company on road trips, score them jobs at a pizza place, ask them to Sadie Hawkins so that they don’t have to go “stag,” lend them moral support and fashion advice, and let them drive my car (except the new Jeep – neither one of them are getting their dumb boy hands on my Jeep).
I consider it my privilege and my duty to tell them when they are acting like little bitches. In return, I get brutally honest dude feedback on stuff from someone who really cares about me and some hit or miss car maintenance consultations (remember telling me to “go ahead and ignore” that Check Engine light senior year, Jon!?).
We’ve shared 13 years of memories and growing pains, heartbreaks and more cheesy bread than you can imagine.
When my car broke my senior year (and by broke, I mean it ran out of oil and blew a piston through the side of the engine….Ref. aforementioned Check Engine Light), Jon gave me a ride just about every day from school to work and home again and never complained about it.
When I left for college, Sean knew I was totally bummed that I couldn’t hit the Warped Tour with him, so he bought me a Homegrown shirt, signed by the band! The shirt is threadbare, but I still wear it (the holes only add to my “rage against the institution” motif) and the signature is still clearly on the sleeve (I don’t wash it that often…)
I told you they were awesome guys! Even though I wouldn’t marry Sean&Jon, it doesn’t stop me from sending drunk text message marriage proposals to Sean every few years. Nothing against Jon, it’s just he hasn’t been single for like 7 years and it would be tacky for me to propose to someone who is in a relationship. Sean, however, is almost as much of a relationship train wreck as I am. And he can’t be mad at me for saying that, because it is true.
Asking Sean to marry me is a great way to start a conversation with him because he always says no and starts complaining about being single and relationships and girls, etc. “Wanna just get married,” my favorite cry for attention and launching pad for heartfelt conversation. Usually, these conversations strike a chord of brilliance – like today.
Sean said that one of the biggest problems for people in our society nowadays is that we have over-simplified men and over-complicated women.
I’ll let that sink in for a second.
Bulls-eye, Sean! Freaking brilliant! We really have over-simplified men to emotionless sex-seekers and turned women into intricate labyrinths of irrational thought. And, it’s not fair! There are men who can articulate a highly evolved emotional depth and are looking for something more meaningful than a pretty face. Likewise, there are women with as much mystique as a picture book who pride themselves on honesty and use their innate communication skills for good, not evil. Of course there are two extremes, but everyone else falls somewhere in between.
Why do we put the opposite sex into these constraining boxes and not recognize that they may not follow said “norm?” Are we stereotyping to protect ourselves from falling victim to the same tricks that caught us last time? Are we really that scared? Or are we just being lazy?
Sean gave me a lot to think about and did a great job skating out of the marriage proposal. I guess I don’t want to marry one of my best friends – even though Sean and I would have super cute red-eyed demon spawn with bad hair, see:
Really, I couldn’t marry anyone who would let me go out downtown in my sophomore year homecomming dress and my little sister’s pleather jacket. I was 21 in this picture. I have no excuse for my outfit. And Sean has no excuse for that neon green drink in his hand. WTF.
Jon&Sean, I’m glad you are stuck being my friends forever – which means you can’t get mad at me for using your real names in this blog post – or, if you do get mad, you can’t stay mad.