Signs of Singlehood

Today, I opened up my electronic pay stub to count how many days of vacation I’ve saved up – 41.5 to be exact. At the time, I was on the phone with one of my married friends talking about where I’d like to travel, what adventures may be in store for me and how tacky it was for my ex to lie to me when he dumped me – pretty standard girl talk nowadays,we keep to the basics: travel, adventure and hating on former lovers. Just as we were really hashing out grand schemes and unresolved past baggage, the top corner of my pay stub caught my eye. It said: Marital Status – Single.

I busted out laughing. What the heck – how many reminders do I seriously need of my singlehood!?

My friend and I went back and forth for awhile about the pros and cons of our current situations: me hopelessly single and her married with a newborn. I was sitting at work with a Tupperware of leftover Thai food and she was at home, walking the sleeping baby in a stroller, making tiny laps inside her house. Trust me when I tell you that it was a tough call to decide who had the more glamorous life.

Which gave me the idea for this blog post. Aside from my pay stub, there are several things that serve to remind me every day of my current lack of marital status. Here is my toast – to the little luxuries and the little eccentricities.

I wake up every morning and hit the snooze button at least 8 times because there is no one t0 be bothered by the terrible habit.

S0metimes….most times….almost all the time….I leave wet towels on the bathroom floor.

I sleep smack in the middle of the bed and steal all of the covers from…myself. I think cover-stealing skills are important to maintain. I want to stay sharp – because you never know when love will strike.

The only thing I have to eat in my house is yogurt –

and the only thing I have to drink is gin.

I’ve trained my beagle to ring a bell when he needs to go out and pee and to sleep in until noon on the weekends.

All of my pictures are crooked because I don’t own a level.

I’ve chased the bugs that are “too scary to kill” into the guest room and shut the door.

My magazine rack is full of Vegetarian Times, Vogue and National Geographic.

There are no books in my bathroom (that is such a dude thing!)

All 43 pairs of my shoes fit in my closet.

My freezer holds a box of 100-calorie Klondike bars, two bottles of vodka and some frozen peas

Ani Difranco and the Indigo Girls are in my CD player right now

I still haven’t put the back seat back in my Jeep because it is soooooo heavy, I don’t want to lift it by myself

Half of my medicine cabinet is full of nail polish

I spend $117 at the make-up store on a semi-regular basis

Most of my shampoo bottles cost more than a full tank of gas

Sometimes, when I’m really bored, I paint my dog’s nails pink. He lets me.

I always keep fresh flowers on the kitchen table

I have the following photo-booth pictures I took of myself with my webcam on my computer:

Finally, the ultimate sign of being single:

I have a can of AquaNet and a cell phone on my nightstand just in case I need to blind any intruders and call 911 in the middle of the night

 

 

 

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About ermodi

i like champagne and nachos. i watch people’s mouths move when they talk to me and judge if they are a good kisser i like to write with fine-tip Sharpies because i think it makes me look confident i bite my nails i think doing the dishes is a very lonely chore i think “autumn” is the prettiest word in the English language. i believe in love – or, at least something that resembles love, but i don’t trust this idea of forever.
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7 Responses to Signs of Singlehood

  1. Go Frank Go says:

    So… I guess you still haven’t switched your Marital Status over to “Fake Married on the Internet” yet, huh? Man, I’m NEVER gonna have health insurance…

  2. Very funny & sweet, as always! Love the photos! If you’re spending that much on cosmetics and hair care I’d like to introduce you to Arbonne … you’ll like it better!

  3. T says:

    Other reminders: when in the ER tonight, I was asked about my status. And, turning it into a perk, I said “single” loud enough so that any cute doctors or nurses might hear me.

    Some to add to your list: I can eat ice cream out of the carton. Anything else I want – also out of the carton.

    My reading light doesn’t keep anyone else awake.

    I can dance like a fool because no one is watching.

    I can make a decision on a whim, without having to run it by anyone else.

    I actually spend more time doing my makeup, with fun colors that I like, instead of keeping it natural the way most of my past lovers have preferred.

  4. Kriti says:

    Hellllo Erin – I chanced upon your blog on Blogplicity and am so glad I made it here. You are so funny : ))). Those are some signs of being single alright – but I am so loving it after like an airtight schedule with a 2 year old, work and a husband. Your life sure does sound like heaven : )

  5. There are no books in my bathroom (that is such a dude thing!)
    I wake up every morning and hit the snooze button at least 8 times because there is no one t0 be bothered by the terrible habit.

    Sometimes….most times….almost all the time….I leave wet towels on the bathroom floor.

    You’re so funny, Erin. The passages above cracked me up. No books in MY bathroom either. Does that make me a dudette? LoL!

    I myself hit the snooze button a few times myself, but my cats make sure I’m awake by 530 every morning anyway.

    Being single isn’t all bad, at least from MY perspective. I love my independence, being able to come home and eat when I want, go to bed when I want etc.

    Keep blogging, Erin. You have a wonderful sense of humor.

    Chris

  6. Ermodi says:

    Thanks for the comments everyone!
    Frank – sorry, fake internet married isn’t going to cut it for Health Insurance #iTried

    Linda- I’ve heard of Arbonne, but never tried it you like it?

    T – I think we are way cooler because we are rapidly approaching spinster status! Love the ER story!

    Kriti – thanks for checking out my blog! Any time you need a reminder of just how messy the “glorious single days” are, stop on by. I’ll remind you what it’s like to be sitting on the sofa with a box of cereal and a whole season of Greys…..

    Chris- I don’t know if I’d classify you as a Dudette, but maybe you should keep a magazine or something in your bathroom, just so the other dudes don’t judge…hahah

  7. sukanya says:

    this post reminded me of MY ‘singledom’. Deng!
    enjoyed it!
    live it up while you can….

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