My Retirement Plan

I just officially retired from Online Dating.

Here’s my problem with this whole Online Dating thing – even though I see how it works for people, it won’t work for me. Ever. Probably. Eh, I’m not sticking around long enough to find out.

Online Dating promotes the “Insta-Relationship.” I hate that.  In my world, relationships are not instant pudding – you can’t add cold milk, whisk, let sit for 3 minutes and then BOOM – chocolatey deliciousness. There are many more steps and many more minutes to wait. First, you have to have a spark. Then, that spark has to grow. You have to have fun together. You have to enjoy each other’s company.  You have to want. You have to want to see each other again and again. You have to build a foundation of trust – and that takes time. Relationships are an investment. They grow – naturally, organically and in their own time.

Even if two people “make sense” together on paper, there is no guaranteed initial spark. Even if sparks are flying like (something that produces a lot of sparks but isn’t a sparkler because that is a lame metaphor to use here), there is no guaranteed sustainability. Even if you make sense together and there are sparks, there is no guaranteed trust.

Maybe I sound like a girl that’s been burned a few times. I have.

Maybe I sound like a girl with trust issues. Not going to deny it – but I don’t like the negative connotation of “issues” – if I was quick to trust and love, couldn’t I just as easily be criticized for not guarding my heart and for being naive/gullible?

Maybe I’m just the girl who is sick of going out on first dates and nothing else.

Here’s my theory on why I don’t get the second date: I don’t leave the first date as the guy’s new girlfriend.

Why is that even the expectation, you may ask? SOMEONE please agree with me that this is crazy.

I think it’s because things move faster nowadays than they ever have in the past.

Raise your hand if you remember hearing *crrrrr ssssiiiiiissssss kkkkkkkkkkk iiiiiiiiii sssssss ccccccrrrrrrr Welcome. You’ve Got Mail.” Well, it didn’t last long. I don’t know if my little brother even knows what “dial-up” means, much less what it was like for my family to have 3 teenage daughters, 1 on-call-all-the-time father and the internet all sharing the same phone line. We don’t have time for that anymore! We want everything as quickly as possible.

Forget pulling out an atlas and planning a road trip – there’s an app for that. Don’t bother with handwritten letters – shoot a text. We are so intertwined with our phones and computers and fancy-computer-phones that we have no patience for anything that takes longer than “instantaneous.” Unfortunately, we’re applying that mindset to our relationships – specifically the online ones.

If you are seriously Online Dating, you are most likely trying to find “the one.” You are busy and important and don’t have time to waste with anyone else. So, instead of going the classic dating route and investing the time in getting to know people, you go shopping – efficiently.

You browse profiles.

You search keywords.

You set ranges for age, distance, income, height….

You compare profiles side-by-side

You don’t go out on a first date – you don’t put in any effort into trying to impress or woo the stranger from the other side of the internet – you interview them. You want to make sure that their profile pictures were accurate and current. You dump your whole bag of crazy on the table and expect they do the same – there is no time to waste here, building trust and all that mess, you need to know if they are “the one” or another waste of your precious time.

Personally, I’m sick of interviewing. I’d rather be wooed.

Now, I’m not expecting a knight in shining armor who has heard legends of my beauty and virtue to bang on my door, dismount from his noble steed and beg to fly my colors as he goes forth to do battle in my honor. Neither am I expecting sweet Romeo to toss pebbles up to my window and recite a sonnet inspired by seeing me in the produce section of Big Y and following me to my humble abode (that would actually scare the shit out of me and Romeo would get his ass pepper sprayed).

What do I expect? Typical modern dude wooing: I want a guy to run past me and fall on his face or offer to carry something really heavy for me or ride his bike past my house every day and set up a BMX ramp at the end of my driveway so he can show off his skills or just buy me a freakin drink once in awhile. There is really nothing more charming or endearing than a twitterpated man who is willing to make a total jackass out of himself for a lady. And guys, if a girl digs you, she really won’t let you make that much of an ass out of yourself – trust me.

From the dawn of time, men have been climbing high trees and lifting heavy rocks and fending off saber-toothed-whatevers to impress women.

Conversely, women have painted their faces and pulled their hair out by the roots, worn horribly uncomfortable shoes and pretended not to fart or poop. I swear cavewomen pretended like they didn’t fart.

And for thousands of years, it’s worked that way. But, we’re so advanced now that we’ve cut out the best part of being single: the dating stage. The stage in which we go out and interact with people and show off for each other and build up anticipation. That’s a great stage! Why skip it!?

Oh, because we don’t date to date. I forgot, dating is a means to an end —- to end in a relationship. I’m sorry, I know “til death do we part” is really a beautiful idea and all – but when you don’t feel that way about anyone, THOSE WORDS ARE SCARY AS HELL. Til DEATH do we part!? Eeek! How about “til the end of the movie do we part?” Or maybe “Til last call do we part” I mean, we really gotta build up to the point of swearing “Til Death do we part.”

Anyway – as I’ve said previously, dating moves fast nowadays. I’m going to slow down and see if I can find anyone to enjoy it with me for a bit.


About ermodi

i like champagne and nachos. i watch people’s mouths move when they talk to me and judge if they are a good kisser i like to write with fine-tip Sharpies because i think it makes me look confident i bite my nails i think doing the dishes is a very lonely chore i think “autumn” is the prettiest word in the English language. i believe in love – or, at least something that resembles love, but i don’t trust this idea of forever.
This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to My Retirement Plan

  1. T says:

    Hmm. Good post. Cave women flatulence – definitely a new topic for me.

    Something gave me hope last night: I was out w two dudes and one of them elevator eyed the waitress, who was at least ten years older than all of us, and very “normal cute pretty.” I caught him and we laughed, and we all agreed that there was just something fun and mesmerizing about her. She charmed us all in a knee length denim skirt and those cushy clogs. You can’t exude anything like that stereotype-shattering radiance from a computer monitor. So bravo for shelving the .com, and bravo to boys who see beyond the stats.

  2. Hi Maureen:
    Everything you said in this post I agree with spot on. I’ve been on and off online sites many times and NEVER really made it passed a 2nd date. I just closed my account for the FINAL time myself.

    Think you’re smart to close the accounts, Maureen. I’d rather meet someone face to face. Don’t really like emailing or texting at great lengths. I feel they are just another way of avoiding/hiding behind a persona. If you’re interested, then show it, right

    That’s how I feel anyway.

  3. Kirsten says:

    I totally agree Erin. I closed mine back in October, it just wasn’t happening for me that way. I met the recent boyfriend at work in the cafeteria the good ol’ fashioned way and he asked me out back in October, and it’s been going good since then. The whole online thing can be scary too. People lie about key things like their age or being single or having kids. It’s not a good way to start off a relationship built upon trust and mutual response.

    Love ya girl! Miss you!

  4. sukanya says:

    You have an award waiting for you. Thanks for your writings. Come pick it up!

  5. Pingback: Good Thing Dating Sites Don’t Do Background Checks -

Comment Here!!!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s