On The Edge

I think I’m on the cusp of something happening. I feel it. In my gut.

I went to mass today for the first time in a really long time. I was running a few minutes late and almost chickened out before I got to the door, but a gentleman walked up alongside of me and offered to share his umbrella as we ran to the church together.

I grabbed a seat in the back with the women who tote small children around (they are usually late too – but it tends to be more because of a diaper change or temper-tantrum than a serious mascara crisis or difficult decision like “which Greek yogurt flavor should I eat today.”)

Because I scarfed down a Greek yogurt right before church, I recited all the prayers and responsorials and creeds in my head – I was suddenly paranoid about having bad yogurt breath.

I cried a little when we said the Our Father and no one held hands. In my church back home, everyone held hands at that part. But I regained my composure just in time to offer those around me a sign of peace.

Then, it was communion time. I prayed that God would heal all of the cracks in my heart and that He wouldn’t be mad at me for taking communion even though I hadn’t gone to confession in a few years and had skipped church a lot lately.

I felt better after communion. I decided to start going to church every Sunday again. Something about it makes me feel really really good. Like at peace. That tells me I am doing something right – that I should keep it up.

I don’t know if the cracks in my heart were healed like I asked, but as I am laying in bed tonight, too terrified to sleep because a really dark spider is running back and forth across the ceiling in my room, I feel something different inside of me. It’s an excitement and an anticipation. I feel like I am on the cusp of something really awesome, like falling in love or writing a book or winning the lottery. I feel hopeful. I don’t know why, but I’m expecting to stumble across something big.

And, as cool as it would be for me to stumble across a grand love affair, I secretly hope that my gut instinct relates to my writing.

I met a real live journalist from the WSJ this weekend. We were introduced by a mutual friend and she had read one of my articles. She called me a writer. I just looked at my knees and tried to think of a response. I don’t feel like a writer – at least not a real one. But I want to be a writer. We talked a little about my blog and I told her about my first idea – the social experiment blog I haven’t had the time to develop beyond rough draft phases. She asked me why I was even willing to blog about that and not have a paper pay me to do it. I didn’t have an answer to that question.

Sure, I think it’s a great idea. Why didn’t I consider the possibility that someone might agree with me?

I have this sinking feeling that there are great and wonderful and paralyzingly terrifying successes in store for me…..either that, or I’ve got a stomach bug and will be running to my toilet and puking in the next few minutes. It can be difficult to tell the difference between these kinda gut feelings.

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About ermodi

i like champagne and nachos. i watch people’s mouths move when they talk to me and judge if they are a good kisser i like to write with fine-tip Sharpies because i think it makes me look confident i bite my nails i think doing the dishes is a very lonely chore i think “autumn” is the prettiest word in the English language. i believe in love – or, at least something that resembles love, but i don’t trust this idea of forever.
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4 Responses to On The Edge

  1. clo says:

    You’re cherishable. I hope its writing too, men are dumb, and you need a whole lot of focus & quiet & not having to house train a human.

  2. sukanya says:

    nah. not a stomach bug but a fantastic opportunity for you to explore…good luck! hope you get the break you deserve.

  3. Lady Jessop says:

    I love that feeling! I haven’t had it in a while but I think it’s called hope. Good things come from it. Enjoy my friend!

  4. Brenda says:

    Oh, I hope so too.. With writing securely under your belt you can have all the other thrills in life, include a grand love affair, a la carte. I so love that feeling of the unexpected. It feels a little like heaven, walking on clouds, or simply the blush of a first kiss. Hang in there..

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