On The Edge

I think I’m on the cusp of something happening. I feel it. In my gut.

I went to mass today for the first time in a really long time. I was running a few minutes late and almost chickened out before I got to the door, but a gentleman walked up alongside of me and offered to share his umbrella as we ran to the church together.

I grabbed a seat in the back with the women who tote small children around (they are usually late too – but it tends to be more because of a diaper change or temper-tantrum than a serious mascara crisis or difficult decision like “which Greek yogurt flavor should I eat today.”)

Because I scarfed down a Greek yogurt right before church, I recited all the prayers and responsorials and creeds in my head – I was suddenly paranoid about having bad yogurt breath.

I cried a little when we said the Our Father and no one held hands. In my church back home, everyone held hands at that part. But I regained my composure just in time to offer those around me a sign of peace.

Then, it was communion time. I prayed that God would heal all of the cracks in my heart and that He wouldn’t be mad at me for taking communion even though I hadn’t gone to confession in a few years and had skipped church a lot lately.

I felt better after communion. I decided to start going to church every Sunday again. Something about it makes me feel really really good. Like at peace. That tells me I am doing something right – that I should keep it up.

I don’t know if the cracks in my heart were healed like I asked, but as I am laying in bed tonight, too terrified to sleep because a really dark spider is running back and forth across the ceiling in my room, I feel something different inside of me. It’s an excitement and an anticipation. I feel like I am on the cusp of something really awesome, like falling in love or writing a book or winning the lottery. I feel hopeful. I don’t know why, but I’m expecting to stumble across something big.

And, as cool as it would be for me to stumble across a grand love affair, I secretly hope that my gut instinct relates to my writing.

I met a real live journalist from the WSJ this weekend. We were introduced by a mutual friend and she had read one of my articles. She called me a writer. I just looked at my knees and tried to think of a response. I don’t feel like a writer – at least not a real one. But I want to be a writer. We talked a little about my blog and I told her about my first idea – the social experiment blog I haven’t had the time to develop beyond rough draft phases. She asked me why I was even willing to blog about that and not have a paper pay me to do it. I didn’t have an answer to that question.

Sure, I think it’s a great idea. Why didn’t I consider the possibility that someone might agree with me?

I have this sinking feeling that there are great and wonderful and paralyzingly terrifying successes in store for me…..either that, or I’ve got a stomach bug and will be running to my toilet and puking in the next few minutes. It can be difficult to tell the difference between these kinda gut feelings.

About ermodi

i like champagne and nachos. i watch people’s mouths move when they talk to me and judge if they are a good kisser i like to write with fine-tip Sharpies because i think it makes me look confident i bite my nails i think doing the dishes is a very lonely chore i think “autumn” is the prettiest word in the English language. i believe in love – or, at least something that resembles love, but i don’t trust this idea of forever.
This entry was posted in Hope Chest and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to On The Edge

  1. clo says:

    You’re cherishable. I hope its writing too, men are dumb, and you need a whole lot of focus & quiet & not having to house train a human.


  2. sukanya says:

    nah. not a stomach bug but a fantastic opportunity for you to explore…good luck! hope you get the break you deserve.


  3. Lady Jessop says:

    I love that feeling! I haven’t had it in a while but I think it’s called hope. Good things come from it. Enjoy my friend!


  4. Brenda says:

    Oh, I hope so too.. With writing securely under your belt you can have all the other thrills in life, include a grand love affair, a la carte. I so love that feeling of the unexpected. It feels a little like heaven, walking on clouds, or simply the blush of a first kiss. Hang in there..


Comment Here!!!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s