So, I just took this quiz in Seventeen Magazine that revealed I am a “perfect kisser.”
They actually say:
You’re a Perfect Kisser!
You definitely know how to kiss. Your technique is fun and exciting, yet sweet at the same time, and you always manage to wow the guy you’re with. You can totally experiment with more complicated kisses, like the upside-down “Spider-Man” kiss (be creative!), just remember not to get too cocky or your smooch session might not feel sincere.
Thanks, Seventeen Magazine! I kinda already knew that I was a pretty great kisser, (Is this the part where you warn me about getting too cocky?) but it’s always nice to hear it from a teenie-bopper pop culture medium. I’m actually expecting a tweet from Britney Spears any minute now congratulating me on scoring a perfect on the kissing quiz….any minute now….
Go ahead and take the quiz. If you score anything other than perfect, allow me to offer you a few pointers.
1. Care for the equipment. Soft lips are key in kissing. I apply Coco Butter and Vaseline and Shea Butter and Vitamin E to my lips compulsively. Also, I never leave the house without a tasty flavored gloss in my pocket.
2. Breath mints are a must. This should be self-explanatory.
3. Don’t forget to breathe. You can’t hold your breath for a serious 200+ calorie burning make-out session. I treat kissing like a cardiovascular workout. Once you get your heart-rate up, you’ll want to keep it elevated for at least 30 minutes, 45 if you are a serious athlete. Breathing is important in cardio. When I come up for air, I like to do a little push-pull on my partner’s lower lip and then give him one of those gasping serious moments of eye contact before moving in for the next round. I guess in that sense, kissing could be comparable to boxing.
4. Technique will vary on an individual’s preferences and how their features fit with their partner. You’ll need to be a little flexible on this one. No pun intended. If leaning in for the kiss results in the nose bump or teeth clash, don’t panic, just reassess and adjust your angle.
5. Creativity will almost always win you points. Use your hands, kiss little forgotten areas that need some love (like behind the knee….for a PG-rated example…), incorporate a little head massage into the game.
Now, I haven’t always been the perfect kisser. There was a time when I myself had never been kissed. My first kiss was actually at the tender age of 17. I went to Catholic High School, OK? The guy’s name was Dustin Gump. He was a private first class in the Army, stationed at Ft Carson. He was 19. It was a weird situation. I was anxious to get my first kiss over and done with, but didn’t want to go any farther than that. He ended up having sex with one of my best friends later that night. I wasn’t mad about it, I had no attachment to Dustin Gump. Actually, I guess you could look at it as a testament to what a great kisser I really am…getting him so wound up and stuff…anyway….
After my night with Dustin Gump, I met my first boyfriend Will Niblack. Will was a cadet at the Air Force Academy. He was 20. I can’t believe my parents let me date older military guys…I’m certainly not going to let my future daughters anywhere near them…Will was a real peach, though. Other than breaking up with me the day after I took him to my senior prom, he was a good first boyfriend. We used to make out all.the.time. I loved it. I had so much fun kissing Will that I used to burst into fits of laughter right in the middle of our most intimate moments. This never failed to piss him off. Eh, he was dating a 17 year old. What did he expect? Will used to kiss me slowly and deeply in the back seat of my Dad’s Volvo. He never pushed me any further though. I told you he was a real peach.
Still, Will dumped me out of the blue after prom, but I didn’t care. I was off to the US Coast Guard Academy where I would be living with a population comprised of 70% men. The odds were most definitely in my favor.
Have you ever heard the phrase, “The odds are good, but the goods are odd?” Yeah, that sums up my Academy dating life. I averaged kissing one guy every year – on my summer vacation – not from the Academy. At least, until I turned 21. Drinking and karaoke somehow really upped my stats. Amazing how that happens.
At this point, I’ve kissed a little more than my fair share of frogs – no prince yet (but luckily no warts, either). Kissing makes or breaks it for me. It’s like a personality test – you can tell by the way a man kisses you if he is insecure, selfish, tender, sloppy, uptight, over-eager, uninterested or….well….just right.
Not saying I’m unwilling to work with a real nice guy on his kissing technique. The third guy I kissed was a good friend of mine who needed a lesson in making out before he went off to college. I’d dish out the details, but, as he was walking me home from our clandestine tryst, he said he’d kill me if I ever told anyone. Obviously, I swore him to secrecy as well. It was just like an episode of Dawson’s Creek. Or something.
Of course, I’m signing this post old school style, SWAK (sealed with a kiss)