I want a boyfriend. Eh, I’m 27 – is that too old to have a “boyfriend?”
I want a lover.
To be clear though, I do not want to fall in love. I am on the cusp of great life changes and wouldn’t expect someone to go work here with me for a year and then move to Colorado or Montana or Oregon or Canada or Ireland or wherever – at least not after 8 months of dating and 8 months is all I have.
8 months is not all I have to live or anything. Sheesh, I just realized how dramatic I sounded. 8 months is all I have left in Connecticut. I’ve drafted up my resignation memo from the Coast Guard and am shifting my focus to my new life and I am so freaking excited about all of the opportunities glowing on the horizon. New ones, every day! It’s like the opportunity fairy is just dancing around spilling her bag of awesomeness and I’m running full speed at a whole mess of potential and I have no idea where I am going to end up (exactly) or what I’m going to do (exactly) but I know it is going to be epic. Because it’s me. It’s all or nothing. Epic.
But this is not the “what I’m going to do with my new life” post. This is the “I want a lover for 8 months” post.
Now, I’ve gotten some flack from people about my flippant attitude towards finding Mr. Right Now. They tell me things like, “dating someone and not being serious about it toys with their emotions and ends up breaking their heart.” Aw. Poor baby. Might end up with a broken heart. Whaa. Honestly, this isn’t about that.
I would be serious. Well, as serious as I can be. But if I end up dating someone, I’ll seriously date them. I’m great at monogamy and intimacy and love and all that shit. I’m just not looking for “the one” right now and I don’t think that’s a bad idea – or a bad place for me to be in my life. Honestly, the worst thing that I could do right now is fall in love with someone who has his boots firmly cemented in the North East. I mean, being in love is great – but I have places to go and new things to see and orphan elephants to tend!
So, I am working off of my Temp. Man Plan aka Operation Life Prom Date. I feel like I’m a senior in high school. I’ve got my applications in to every college from Notre Dame to CU Boulder to Trinity University in Dublin. Sure, I want a date to my senior prom, but I don’t plan on bringing him with me to college or trying for the “long distance thing” yuck. I mean, if I fall for the guy, well, shit happens, but I think it’s foolish to expect to fall in love with everyone you date and arrogant to think that you can stop yourself from falling in love with someone because you have other things to do.
I am neither arrogant nor foolish. No comments from the peanut gallery, please.
Currently, I am accepting applications for an 8-month-lover-boy.
Here’s what I’m looking for:
A man who can squish all the spiders in my house before they create a coalliation and decide to all attack me in my sleep.
A man who knows how to play spades and can hold his own as my partner.
A man who can lift heavy things for me and investigate strange noises in the middle of the night.
A man who is a really really good kisser. Or willing to learn with my expert coaching.
A man who is happy to cuddle with me even though I radiate more heat than a thermal-nuclear-conductor under the covers.
A man who can brew a good pot of coffee.
A man who does not follow these dating tips from Men’s Health. Ew.
Here’s the perks of the job:
I’m a great girlfriend and since the Sexual Peak Myth has been disproved, I think it’s safe to say I’m peaking now. If I have to explain to you what I mean by that, you need not apply.