The V-Card and Baking

Do you ever feel like: YIKES, everyone is having sex but me!!!

Welcome to my world.

I caught up with two of my favorite shows tonight – Glee and The Biggest Loser, surprisingly, both these shows reinforced that sentiment.

For my fellow Gleeks – *spoiler alert* there were two serious sexual milestones in this week’s show, both which The Atlantic says Glee did rightTeen sex is a reality in our society (and has been for quite some time), so it’s great to see a show acknowledging it and preaching safe sex. Still, the “everybody’s doing it” message was definitely reinforced – even I felt the pressure to have a romantic moment in front of a the fireplace with my first true love. But you know what? My first true love and I never had sex. We never even dated (which is a detail I usually like to leave out). I was stupid in love with my college best friend who told me to “have a nice life” when I graduated and never talked to me again. Unrequited love stories never have happy endings.

Still, growing up, I didn’t feel the pressure of “everybody’s doing it.” Maybe that’s because most of my friends were not doing it – and I never even had anyone to do it with until I was 17.  Even then, my first boyfriend was also a virgin and had the self control of a saint (one of those good saints), so we’d just make out like bandits in the back of my Dad’s Volvo and I’d come home covered in hickeys. No harm, no foul – except I had to creatively cover a rather conspicuous “love bite” in my senior portraits, but really, who didn’t?

This week’s episode of Glee actually made me wonder if I had missed out on some high school right of passage. A sentiment which, in turn, made me grateful that I never had to deal with serious peer pressure in my teenage years because, obviously, I would have caved! Still, I don’t have any regrets. I plan on telling my daughters one day that the first man they sleep with will break their heart – even if they end up married to him, especially if they end up married to him, he’ll break their heart. I’ll also tell them not to be afraid, a broken heart won’t kill them – even though it always feels like it.

Talking about heartbreak – have you all been watching the Jess and Ramon saga on this season of the Biggest Loser?

From this very reputable source, you can see that Jess clearly hooked up with Ramon. My friend HP reinforced this by telling me there is no way Ramon would be so attached to her/sad she got voted off if she wasn’t the first girl with whom he’d engaged in sexual relations. I can’t say I disagree with him and I totally understand how the intense connection happens. People form very tight bonds very quickly when put in close quarters under stressful conditions – like a weight loss reality television show. Still, if contestants on The Biggest Loser are getting a better cardio workout in the bedroom than me, I think it’s time for me to be a little more proactive.

So, I baked a mediocre batch of  chocolate chip cookies to bring to my class tomorrow (you know, that whole the way to a man’s heart is his stomach adage). I doubt they will win anyone’s heart or…ahem…because, well, they just are not that good. I don’t know why I’m just really not that great of a cook. I feel like I should be, given the legacy of my true southern Crawfish Etouffee making Grandmother and chicken frying Mom, but there’s always something wrong with my baking.

A few weeks ago, I had some men-friends come over to do a little heavy lifting for me (namely moving a washer and dryer set from one end of the basement to the other….twice) so, I repaid them with baking: pumpkin pie and key lime cake. The crust of the pie burned (I didn’t know that trick of putting tin foil over the edges) and somehow the cake came out lop-sided and burned on one edge. The guys didn’t complain, of course, but I felt like I’d failed at one of my basic womanly duties. How the hell did my cake come out of the oven lopsided? It’s not like my kitchen has a list or anything.

I doubt I’ll ever lure a man into the bedroom with my culinary prowess, but, just in case, would someone buy a set of measuring spoons for me this Christmas? I think step one has got to be to stop “eyeballing” and throwing in a little “extra” for “good measure.”

Yeah, these were beans....until I decided to multi-task



About ermodi

i like champagne and nachos. i watch people’s mouths move when they talk to me and judge if they are a good kisser i like to write with fine-tip Sharpies because i think it makes me look confident i bite my nails i think doing the dishes is a very lonely chore i think “autumn” is the prettiest word in the English language. i believe in love – or, at least something that resembles love, but i don’t trust this idea of forever.
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9 Responses to The V-Card and Baking

  1. i’m not sure that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach unless you’re his mother…

  2. You know , honestly, when I see some of the shows depicting high school life, and hear others talk about their sexual escapades and their assumptions that this is what most high school aged kids do…I don’t know…I can’t help but think that just wasn’t my experience of high school! So don’t worry, you’re not the only one! 😉

  3. Why is this required? says:

    I bet anyone on the Biggest Loser would jump into bed with you over some cookies, burnt pie, and lopsided cake. You also have a cross-eyed cat to go with that lopsided cake.

    Either way I have a great baking book for you that actually gives the reader hints, tips, and basic instruction instead of assuming that everyone has a “Baking Instinct”.

    Think about it this way though. My grandmother is a horrible cook, but she managed to find and marry someone and stay with him for more than 40 years when he passed (possibly due to the cooking). My mom was not a cook until she finally divorced my dad, and her early experiments were aweful while she started a new relationship with my step dad. It’s not about how good your cooking/baking is. But I’m not going to pretend that I know what it is about…

  4. sukanya says:

    he he…thank god I am not alone ….I am talking about the culinary and not the sex thing:-)
    last night i cooked an overly salty meal, my kids almost threw up and so did i. and dont even get me started on baking. i do not bake. period. for i cannot handle measuring spoons. i am a ‘ballpark’ cook.
    you are doing fine Erin. you dont need food to lure the opposite sex. besides the satisfaction one derives from it is volatile.

  5. Ermodi says:

    Thanks for the comments and love everyone. Madam “why is this required” I know exactly who you are and request to borrow your book and that you send me measuring spoons for Christmas! xoxoxo

  6. Mel says:

    Okay, so after teaching high school (which, strangely enough, was EXACTLY like all those teen partying, sex-having images in the movies and tv – I get it from the kids themselves) I want to know if we grew up in some parallel universe, saintly high school. Or perhaps we were just very, very dense. I mean, apparently the women in the front office were CONVINCED that I was having sex, wrong as they were (making out in the hallway means that you don’t have the opportunity to do it elsewhere, oh, and sorry about subjecting everyone to that), but geeze. I don’t think it was you, sweetheart. I think it was our sheltered little bubble of up-right soon-to-be-military men and Catholic school. There were no nuns, but apparently we didn’t need them. Or maybe it was just us.

    Oh, and I’ll bake for you =) Shockingly, I can do that. And the way to a man’s heart is totally through his stomach – I just usually go for Halloween candy (“Boy, sure got a lot trick-or-treating this year, anyone want any?” – yeah, totally bought the premium stuff at Walgreens) and by knowing the best romantic little hole-in-the-walls (where you have to sit very close) a short distance from home (“Oh, you just helped me with that bottle of wine, no drinking and driving, but I’m just right over here, dessert?”). Or, you can go with my famous pick-up line that landed me a husband (“That was fun – wait. What?! You’ve NEVER seen FIREFLY?! You HAVE to come home with me right now!!!” – hmm, unfortunately it wasn’t a line, I really DID want him to watch Firefly). And there was left-over halloween candy. I think it helped =)

  7. Ermodi says:

    Mel – I think we were very, very, very dense.

  8. T says:

    I did not even get naked in high school. To my knowledge, none of my closest friends did either. Of the 15 or so people in my “group of friends,” I think 2 had sex senior year. To me, it was a big deal when I got my first pair of fancy underwear junior year. No one saw them but me. And my mom if she did laundry that day.

    We were too busy with sports, grades (0-hour before regular classes for extra achievement!), NHS, Beta Club, Orchestra, Jazz Band, youth group, community service, 4-H, SATs, ACTs, and AP tests. And this was just to get into college. I sometimes stayed home from school TO CATCH UP ON HOMEWORK. So. Any kid that has time for sex, in my humblest opinion, might be missing the point of being a kid. Because childhood is about stress – not singing on the bleachers and sleeping around.

  9. your sister says:

    okay seriously…what time do you land in denver…
    i booked my flight the 19th but if i can get it on the 20th to be around your time i’ll save mom the gas……..

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