Closure – Whatever That Means

Usually, I play it cool. This is so me not playing it cool.

Sometimes I feel so hard, I don’t even know what words there are to describe my feelings…It’s like my heart presses up against my rib cage, until it rubs the edges raw.

I got some good closure recently. From someone who regards me as a good friend.

A good friend.

Oh hell.

I hope I am a good enough person to be friends with this boy. I honestly am not sure, though, because, I felt some sort of love for him.

Not love-love, but a kind of love nonetheless.

He was someone with whom I knew I had no future; our paths only crossed for a few months. Still, when I was near him, I conveniently forgot that we would simply be a moment in my life; nothing longer – nothing more serious. How easy is it for one’s brain to forget such simple concepts? What epic flaws in grandiose plans we ignore for this love-like thing.

My lover. Oh, he did not love me. Not at all. He liked me. But, he had no room in his heart for my love. He did not love me. I say that more for me to read again and again than for you. He did not love me. Did.Not.Love.Me.

And that hurts. I want to be loved. Deeply and every day of my life. Still, it is better to be aware of someone’s real feelings than to distress yourself with intricate imaginings of what could be if only…

if only he felt the same….

if only he didn’t care about reality either…

if only he cared enough about me…

He would be here. He would crash into my life once more.

I know that’s not the answer – as much instant gratification I could glean from a tryst, the cruelest and kindest thing he could do is cash in his open invitation to my life. Cruel because I would once again hit the proverbial pause button and apply blinders to any other potential lovers (I swear, I was designed for monogamy) and kind because I want nothing more than to satiate this hunger for his smell and feel of his touch. My body writhes in withdrawal. The chemistry in my brain is off balance.

I cry.

I cry for one more touch. Just one more embrace. One more.

I cry for my loss.

I didn’t want to “move on.” But, he released me. Gave me his blessing for moving on to new lovers. He asked to remain friends.

I hope I can do it.

Really, I doubt I’m strong enough to carry the burden of lover to friend as I move on. I don’t know if I have the class, poise and self-control. I want to stay friends with him, but I don’t expect we will. I expect it to be too damn hard.

I question my motives – do I lash out and attempt to elicit a jealous response?

That’s a terrible idea. There is no feeling worse than the lack of a response – there is nothing worse than them simply not caring. And I know he doesn’t care. Why force reminders on myself with empty affairs?

I question my feelings – what is this love-like thing sitting like a shattered brick in my stomach? How deep did it run? To where would I have followed it? I shiver to think. I stop asking questions.

I know only one thing for certain – I can’t be angry. Not at him, as his intentions were made clear at the start and never changed. Not at myself as my feelings have never been reined in tightly. No, there is no anger. Just tears. And hurt. And emptiness.

And the loneliness of another break in my oh-so-fragile heart.

 

 

 

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About ermodi

i like champagne and nachos. i watch people’s mouths move when they talk to me and judge if they are a good kisser i like to write with fine-tip Sharpies because i think it makes me look confident i bite my nails i think doing the dishes is a very lonely chore i think “autumn” is the prettiest word in the English language. i believe in love – or, at least something that resembles love, but i don’t trust this idea of forever.
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11 Responses to Closure – Whatever That Means

  1. T says:

    omg what? when did this happen?

  2. Mel says:

    Is heartbreak the truest source Of amazing writing? Methinks so. I’ll be calling soon. Until then, go for a long, rambling walk with your roommate (aka Mom) and take a diary to a cozy coffee shop for an afternoon. A long, hot bath may be in order, too, if you can claim the bathroom long enough.

    For bonus points – if this feeling lasts whatever you consider a long time – put together a book of past lovers (real or hoped for) with pictures, write why they made you twitterpaited, lovely things they told you, and how/to whom you moved on. It’s simultaniously a self-esteem boost (the lovely things said), a realization that many men have made you feel lovely, and a hope for others (or other) in the future. I kept a book for a long time of the lovely things said – it helped in times like these =)

  3. Ermodi says:

    Dearest T – I’ll let you buy me a drink next week and then fill you in on all the gory details. Had a good cry last night and woke up feeling light and free. Maybe there is something to be said about this closure stuff…

    Mel, you always leave such lovely comments. I can’t wait to catch up with you, my dear. Take your time, I’m sure your arms are very full right now!!!

    xoxoxoxo

    I feel so blessed to count you as my friends.

  4. Hi, Maureen! ~

    Why would you want to be friends with someone who doesn’t care about you, let alone love you? That sounds even less like a friend than it does like a lover…

    I hope you don’t take this wrong, but, have you ever considered therapy? It’s done wonders for me in my love life (and could be good for some hilarious blogs, too) ;-x

  5. if only he felt the same….

    if only he didn’t care about reality either…

    if only he cared enough about me…

    Oh, Maureen, I have been there, not just once, but twice, with the same person. Wanting to trust and believe that he would be different this time around, only to find that he was not capable of loving me the way I desired him.

    If I only I had a dollar for every “if only” I ever uttered, I would be monetarily rich, indeed.

    God has someone special planned to meet only you, my dear, and this will happen when you trust in Him. It may take time; it did before I found my Danny, but the journey is ever worth the promise He has given.

    May He give you the love of your life, in His time and to your joy!

  6. Galen Pearl says:

    Thich Nhat Hanh has written some lovely things about cradling our pain and hurt feelings like we would cradle a baby. Sometimes, I have literally sat on the floor, crying and rocking like I’m holding a baby, even singing lullabies. Sounds silly, but I got some comfort from it. Pema Chodron suggests thinking of all the people in the world who feel exactly like we are feeling right at this moment and knowing that we are not alone. Blessings to you.

  7. Pamela says:

    Awh–hell it sucks, big time. I know the feeling only the person I was madly in love with “paused” without letting me know he’d “paused.” For something like 3 weeks (right before the holidays), I waited. Of course, it was our 2nd chance, I had never stopped loving him for years and I dove–HARD, again. Found out the brutal truth, he couldn’t SAY, write or text he was sorry, there was no good explanation, I didn’t regret it even though it HURT like HELL and had to move on. We know what we want, need, deserve in our lives–the best. Love to you and here’s to new adventures! xoxoxo

  8. Your writing is lovely Maureen even if what happened to you isn’t. You express yourself with a lot of passion and anyone that can do that is in store for a great love. Sometimes we have deep feelings for the wrong people, but one day the right one will be there. This I do believe.

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  10. Erin Maureen reading this post which I’m not sure how I missed, brought back a whole lot of memories for me. In my case it was a very dear friend who showed signs of loving me (or so I thought) – we were never lovers – but I thought we were meant to be for life. I took the bold step of proposing to him (I live in India and it takes guts or stupidity to do that) – he said no it wouldn’t work – within two months he had an arranged marriage! I tried to be friends – he tried too. Thankfully, we lived in different cities. But I think the pain of being rejected by a friend caused a lot of craziness in my life – I went on to do some absolutely idiotic things after that – trying to fill the ‘space’. This went on for years. It was only when I realized that I deserved better, much better that I opened myself to real love. Within months of making a decision, I met my husband and found love. I hope you can do that too ?

  11. PS: That was not a question mark – but a heart – sorry!

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