Today is my day.
Today is my day to wear black.
To mourn and celebrate as I see fit.
To laugh and cry.
To sit near a polished stone and talk to it…for a minute, an hour, all day.
Today is my day to be terrible, selfish and unconcerned – to put my feelings first.
Today is my day to hurt.
Today is my day to trace the words engraved in stone: In Loving Memory of…
Today is my day to honor my Father’s life.
Today, I do not tolerate judgement. I do not tolerate the empty phrase, “I know how you feel.” I do not tolerate anyone being anything but kind and gentle with me.
Today I do whatever I need to do to heal, to stand up, to move forward. One more step. One more year.
Today marks 4 years since this day.
Today is my day to remember – Father, Counselor, Friend.
Today is my day to pray.
Today, I allow myself to wish he was still here-
-to give me advice, give me $20 for gas, give me a hug….to walk me down the aisle and give me away one day.
Today, I hit the pause button on life and indulge in self-pity.
Because, in 24 hours, today will have morphed into tomorrow. And tomorrow I simply go on.
Tomorrow, I go on to not feel bad for myself, to not let missing him cripple my plans, to be tolerant and kind. Tomorrow, I go on to celebrate and color my world. Tomorrow, and every day after, I honor him through my deeds, my courage and my strength.
But today, today is not fair.