April 29th Comes Every Year

Today is my day.

Today is my day to wear black.

To mourn and celebrate as I see fit.

To laugh and cry.

To sit near a polished stone and talk to it…for a minute, an hour, all day.

Today is my day to be terrible, selfish and unconcerned – to put my feelings first.

Today is my day to hurt.

Today is my day to trace the words engraved in stone:  In Loving Memory of…

Today is my day to honor my Father’s life.

Today, I do not tolerate judgement. I do not tolerate the empty phrase, “I know how you feel.” I do not tolerate anyone being anything but kind and gentle with me.

Today I do whatever I need to do to heal, to stand up, to move forward. One more step. One more year.

Today marks 4 years since this day.

Today is my day to remember – Father, Counselor, Friend.

Today is my day to pray.

Today, I allow myself to wish he was still here-

-to give me advice, give me $20 for gas, give me a hug….to walk me down the aisle and give me away one day.

Today, I hit the pause button on life and indulge in self-pity.

Because, in 24 hours, today will have morphed into tomorrow. And tomorrow I simply go on.

Tomorrow, I go on to not feel bad for myself, to not let missing him cripple my plans, to be tolerant and kind. Tomorrow, I go on to celebrate and color my world. Tomorrow, and every day after, I honor him through my deeds, my courage and my strength.

But today, today is not fair.

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About ermodi

i like champagne and nachos. i watch people’s mouths move when they talk to me and judge if they are a good kisser i like to write with fine-tip Sharpies because i think it makes me look confident i bite my nails i think doing the dishes is a very lonely chore i think “autumn” is the prettiest word in the English language. i believe in love – or, at least something that resembles love, but i don’t trust this idea of forever.
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9 Responses to April 29th Comes Every Year

  1. Molly says:

    Sometimes I like reading what you write on these days because you know how to say how I feel better than anyone else. Love you.

  2. jimi ann says:

    That is beautifully touching, Maureen…your words moved me to tears because of the courage you have to take today, and the knowing that there is tomorrow.

  3. Hi Maureen:
    Platitudes don’t often help in circumstances like these, but know that there are people out there who understand what you’re going through. Having lost my Maternal Grandfather several years ago I know how trying that dreaded anniversary can be. I don’t recall his transition day as much as I recall his birthday. In fact, I’ve ENTIRELY forgotten the day he transitioned. I don’t WANT to remember that day.

    My Maternal Grandfather was the MOST important male in my life growing up.
    –He taught me to fish.
    –He taught me my love of photography.

    Those two things ALONE are significant on their own. Every time I hold my camera, every time I hold my fishing pole I’m instantly transported back in time.

    I understand we don’t all have the same worldview but I want to share my blog’s category on death and dying:
    http://cjpwisdomandlife.com/category/death-and-dying/
    (46 posts)
    and past lives:
    http://cjpwisdomandlife.com/category/past-lives-reincarnation/ (42 posts)

    Read them at your leisure. Who knows? Maybe something will resonate.

    Be well, Maureen!

    Chris

  4. rimly says:

    That was so touching Maureen. Indulge in today! We all need such days and we all have such days. I am sure your father is a very proud of you

  5. It is perfectly understandable to act exactly how you did on this date. Grief is a very personal thing and each of us handles it differently.
    Your words and feelings expressed here truly touched my heart . . .

  6. I honestly can not imagine the pains, sorrows, emptiness but I do understand all of the feeling and emotion in your writing. Hugs.

  7. Maureen, your words comforted me as I also lost my father. I admire you for taking a day to manage your feelings and express your longing. Blessings to you.

  8. T says:

    i’m so sorry. i don’t know how you feel, but i know i care about you, support you, and want to encourage you. i think he did a good thing for this world by bringing you into it.

  9. sukanya says:

    This post just underscores one thing-you have the right to feel the way you want to feel and no one, not a single soul can change that.
    Hugs…

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