Good Thing Dating Sites Don’t Do Background Checks

Because I just signed up for

And, as T was kind enough to point out to me, I’m “not a farmer.”

Nope, not even close to being a farmer. However, I am close to many farmers now that I’m back in Colorado, so who cares if I’m going to be going to school in Denver this fall? There’s gotta be a little niche for a city girl like me on FarmersOnly, right?

Since I swore off online dating a year ago, I put minimal effort into my online profile. However, I still employed great strategy. I wrote:

I just got out of the Coast Guard and am getting ready to Vet Tech school in Denver this fall. I love animals, open spaces, pick up trucks and learning new things. I recently learned how to milk a goat. I am not very good at it.

I strategically mentioned the Coast Guard because lots of country music songs are very patriotic, so I figured lots of farmers would dig my military background. Plus, I think it makes me sound kinda “blue collar.”

I strategically mentioned Vet Tech school because I’m really excited about it and I want farmers to know that an investment in me is kinda like an investment in their livestock…sorta…

I strategically mentioned Denver because we all know everyone in Colorado is a cowboy.

I strategically mentioned how much I love everything about farms: animals, open spaces, pick up trucks. That’s about all I know about farms, anyway. I could have mentioned “waking up at dawn for a full day of backbreaking work,” but I thought that might be a little cliche.

I strategically mentioned learning new things because any city girl like me would have a lot to learn on a farm. I also backed that up with an example of something new I learned: how to milk a goat and showed my humility/need for a guiding large calloused hand to show me the way.

Honestly, it’s one of my best dating profiles ever. If this doesn’t work, I don’t know what will!

I even made my profile picture one of me holding a baby goat because it shows that I’m serious about farm animals, I am nurturing AND everyone knows goats symbolize fertility.



About ermodi

i like champagne and nachos. i watch people’s mouths move when they talk to me and judge if they are a good kisser i like to write with fine-tip Sharpies because i think it makes me look confident i bite my nails i think doing the dishes is a very lonely chore i think “autumn” is the prettiest word in the English language. i believe in love – or, at least something that resembles love, but i don’t trust this idea of forever.
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6 Responses to Good Thing Dating Sites Don’t Do Background Checks

  1. Oh, Maureen, you have THE BEST sense of humor! I made the mistake of taking a sip of coffee while reading and almost snorted it out through my nose! Honey, with a profile like that, you’ll have every eligible farmer in the U.S. tracking you down. 🙂
    Thanks for a post that made me laugh and lifted my spirits today.

  2. This is almost as good as the Axe ad 😉 Good luck!

  3. adrianairis says:

    Good luck on the search of Old McDonald 😉 Love your blog first time here will come back.

  4. i went to to see if it is real — hah!

    having married a cowboy in the past, i’m personally over that phase in my life…

    as far as your profile pic — i don’t think they want to see your baby goat as much as they want to see your figure 😉

    good luck to you!

  5. T says:

    jeebus mary and brosef.

  6. Lady Jessop says:

    OH! Holding baby goats! I totally get it now. 🙂

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