A Visit From the Wrecking Ball

“Hey,” a familiar voice shouted from down the street.

I was hanging by my stoop, waiting. I turned towards the shadow briskly walking in my direction and thought, “Even through the dim on-again-off-again street lights, I know this diamond studded beauty.”

I tilted my head back and called out, “Darling, even without my glasses on, and in the dark, I can tell you’re even prettier than last time!”

She gave me a hug and humbly waved her bull-shit flag in my face, denying any augmentation to her beauty, then offhandedly complimented my unwashed and uncombed hair. Since we could barely see each other in the darkness, these compliments may seem empty. But sincerity, friendship and gossip were now all things implicitly understood; The Wrecker was in town.

Wrecker used to own Denver.  She’s one of those personalities who will own any place, so watch out Chicago – she’s on her way! But she didn’t return to the Mile High City to drink red wine out of a box with me and compare the cost/benefit of having biological offspring vs a dog at this point in our lives. Wrecker had serious business: Not only was she in town for a wedding, she was in the bridal party.

While friend weddings, friend brides, bridesmaid duties, heinous bridesmaid dresses, inevitable bridesmaid drama, drunk bridesmaid speeches, mixed bridesmaid emotions, gross bridesmaid budgeting and weddings as the perfect storm for a low-self-esteem-high-champagne-intake induced hookup with an over-bearing, over-opinionated, under-endowed groomsman are all wonderful topics, I won’t be touching on any of them in this post. They’ll each get their own.

This post is brought to you by the letters “M” as in “Monogamy,” “V” as in “Vows” and “F” as in “FORSAKEN ALL OTHERS.”

Here’s a spoiler alert: Wrecker is not the “Other Woman.”

Here’s a teaser to keep it interesting: Wrecker is kinda “another woman.”

Somewhere between our small talk, “How is work?” “What is the big deal with Honey Boo Boo anyway?” and “When was the last time you had sex…you know…with like a dude?” Wrecker told a cringe-worthy tale of wedded woe; the side of the story no one sees in anyone’s Facebook status updates; the side of the story that remains both timeless and taboo – the married man pursuing a single woman.

Wrecker has been actively pursued by married/otherwise unavailable men for years. She’s heard every rationale from, “I think you might be my soul-mate,” to “My wife and I just are not really connecting anymore” and, “But….please?” In each case, Wrecker has slammed the breaks on and walked towards her own cold shower with her head held high.

However, there are still consequences for these situations:

1) Wrecker‘s faith in the illusive “Monogamy Gene” is shaken. She asked me if fidelity is even possible nowadays or if it is one of those lofty ideals for which everyone strives and only a few very lucky and very strong people achieve.

2) Wrecker takes the heat as the enchantress, femme fatale, temptress, of lore – Ye Olde Vamp. And the wives hate her.

I didn’t know what to tell Wrecker about life-long monogamous relationships. I’m still a believer. I also believe in unicorns. I haven’t seen any of those either.

I think Facebook doesn’t help keep those vows before God and witnesses alive and well. I think being so connected to the light veil of delusional perfection known as the modern status update makes people feel like everyone is happily married but them. Which is a short skip away from “I deserve to be happy,” which lives right across the street from, “I’m going to pursue someone who will make me happy right now, instead of put up with one more sexless night.” Honestly, I wish I saw more status updates like:

Just got in a fight with the Hubby over who uses more toilet paper. He says I grossly over-use. I told him he is constantly blowing his nose, ergo using more. He said he has to blow his nose that much because I refuse to get rid of the cat he is allergic to. I said, “That cat was there for me when you weren’t! HE WAS HERE FIRST” and ran off to cry into a pint of Ben and Jerry’s, refusing to blow my nose on a square of toilet paper. He’s sleeping on the sofa tonight. I hate him.

Not being married myself, I made up that argument in my mind with my future banished-to-the-sofa-for-the-night husband. (Sorry, sweetie).  Still, given my past relationships, I feel like that is a believable married argument scenario. Anyone who has been married for longer than 18 months may agree or disagree in the comments section below. Newlyweds, please hold your tongue. Crow tastes nasty and I’d hate for you to have to eat it in a few months after you’ve had your first truly insane argument.

Still, I feel like it is ok to not be perfect, and if we kept things more real online (and in reality television) we’d have more realistic expectations about relationships and maybe not be so inclined to wander as soon as the honeymoon ended…maybe.

As far as being the “Other Woman;” I told Wrecker that the best she can be is respectful of the institution of marriage and remember that man made a vow to someone else, even when he doesn’t seem to care about it. I know she’s been tempted. These dudes are married for a reason: they were at least charming, charismatic and handsome enough to trick one poor sap of a woman down the aisle, anyway. But Wrecker hasn’t given into the temptation. This isn’t because she is morally superior to anyone; but because she is a firm believer in Karma, and she doesn’t want it to come back to her in the form of Venereal Disease.

Still, I wasn’t the least bit surprised to hear that a married man who had once chased Wrecker around a block or two after a fun night on the town didn’t make it to the reception after seeing her at the wedding. There was some appropriate excuse. The reality was his wife had recognized Wrecker from Facebook.

I was kinda surprised (and disappointed) to hear that Wrecker hadn’t been punched in the face by aforementioned wife. That would have made for a way better blog post, and some unforgettable wedding portraits.

Maybe next time….

Leave a comment below for Wrecker – do you think her opinion of married men is just from a spattering of the bad apples? What’s the secret to your successful relationship? Is it all her fault that men want her in their bed? Is it all the dude’s fault? Have you ever been in her shoes?

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About ermodi

i like champagne and nachos. i watch people’s mouths move when they talk to me and judge if they are a good kisser i like to write with fine-tip Sharpies because i think it makes me look confident i bite my nails i think doing the dishes is a very lonely chore i think “autumn” is the prettiest word in the English language. i believe in love – or, at least something that resembles love, but i don’t trust this idea of forever.
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8 Responses to A Visit From the Wrecking Ball

  1. Kate says:

    The Wrecker sounds like a hot mess who is simply demanding attention and it is 99% her fault. Men think with their tiny head when sex and sexual chemistry are involved so they can’t be expected to say no. It’s like waiving a piece of food in front of a dog, nothing else matters right that second but inhaling that delectable morsel. Is it the dogs fault when they later get sick? No, its the owners fault for feeding them. But, if the Wrecker isn’t allowing the relationship to proceed than she does have a point with Karma. If we can’t expect men to take control of their Pe-Pe and walk away from temptation and back into the arms of the woman they love (or at the very least, shared vows with), then it is up to the other woman to take options off the table. If all women respected the institution of marriage who would men cheat with? (Unless they’re gay….but thats a whole ‘nother can of worms.)

  2. Andy says:

    Your friend is an idiot. If she finds herself in the same situation… maybe she should change something, whether it be the environment she puts herself in, the way she presents herself to others, the company she keeps, etc. More likely she enjoys the attention, but doesn’t like the stigma. There are millions of beautiful, cute, funny, attractive, whatever women who do not bemoan being chased by married men. Kate, I think you should give men more credit. We manage to go to work everyday without taking detours to hire prostitutes during lunch hour. I believe if a man cheats it’s a team effort that led to that point, however the cheater deserves a good 60% of the credit for taking that final step. Same goes for a woman cheating. My advice to your friend (since you asked) is if you want to continue on this path- own it, but don’t ask for sympathy.

    • Kate says:

      Andy, you are right. I should give men more credit. I guess my snide remark stems from the fact that every single girlfriend I have has never once cheated on her significant other but all have been cheated on by more than one man. That said, I do know good men. But, they have all admitted that in their earlier days they weren’t so decent. The older I get the easier it is for me to find men of caliber. However, to your point that the Wrecker is an idiot, she comes across as a train wreck (pun intended *wink). But, is it her fault that unavailable men (married or otherwise taken) are into her? I have unintentionally been the other woman in the past when a man led me astray and hid his other life from me. Now, if the Wrecker acts on the situation knowing about the woman she is deplorable. But if she doesn’t act on such and removes herself from the situation as soon as she finds out about the other woman or when feelings develop, I’m not certain I can wholy villianize her. Maybe you (and I) need to give her more credit…

  3. T says:

    Assuming Wrecker is not intentionally flirting, she is innocent in my book. Married people take vows; married people should PROACTIVELY honor them – no matter what Puritan or Prostitute drifts into their path.

  4. gvtproprty says:

    You’ve seen a monogamous married man, me 🙂

    20 years of marriage, couple of close brushes with divorce and more nights alone than I care to think about (thanks Uncle Sam and Bank of America!) I’ve had both motive and opportunity to stray but have not for a simple reason, respect. I do not respect a man who betrays his oath so how can I expect to be respected if I betray mine? Is it hard sometimes? Yep. Is it worth it? Absolutely, my marriage has improved dramatically over the years despite the challenges.

    My marriage has been successful because the two of us take it seriously and work at resolving issues before they get out of hand. Communication and always thinking the best of each other gets us through our disagreements. It wasn’t always that simple but we’ve been rewarded with a deeper and more satisfying relationship.

    I can’t speak to Wrecker’s situation other than to say that a married man who would forsake his vows is not the man for her and to assure her that the institution of marriage ain’t dead yet, some men are still men.

  5. I imagine, with her views of Karma, the Wrecker isn’t wearing a sign saying “Married Men, come here to be rejected by me!”. I’ve had married men hit on me, and I’m sure I didn’t invite it. I don’t go there.

    On the flip side…I’ve had (assumedly single) men hit on me while wearing a ring on my left hand. I don’t think it matters the situation, there are people out there who will do that sort of thing, and there just isn’t anything the person being pursued can do about the other person’s actions.

  6. ermodi says:

    Thanks for taking the time to comment!

    I agree, it is highly distasteful when a married man pursues a single woman and the only thing to do is shut him down. Don’t encourage it, don’t play back. I know I always think, if he can talk to me in such a manner when he is “committed” to someone else, how would he talk to other girls if he was with me?

    You certainly can’t stop it, but you can remove yourself from the situation, which is what I always opt to do. I’ve had married guys even grab my face and kiss me before. I literally ripped myself away, left and never acknowledged their existence again.

    Next time, if it ever happens again anyway, I might go for the martini in the face move.

  7. Pingback: Loves Me….Loves Me Not? « Singletonista

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