“Hey,” a familiar voice shouted from down the street.
I was hanging by my stoop, waiting. I turned towards the shadow briskly walking in my direction and thought, “Even through the dim on-again-off-again street lights, I know this diamond studded beauty.”
I tilted my head back and called out, “Darling, even without my glasses on, and in the dark, I can tell you’re even prettier than last time!”
She gave me a hug and humbly waved her bull-shit flag in my face, denying any augmentation to her beauty, then offhandedly complimented my unwashed and uncombed hair. Since we could barely see each other in the darkness, these compliments may seem empty. But sincerity, friendship and gossip were now all things implicitly understood; The Wrecker was in town.
Wrecker used to own Denver. She’s one of those personalities who will own any place, so watch out Chicago – she’s on her way! But she didn’t return to the Mile High City to drink red wine out of a box with me and compare the cost/benefit of having biological offspring vs a dog at this point in our lives. Wrecker had serious business: Not only was she in town for a wedding, she was in the bridal party.
While friend weddings, friend brides, bridesmaid duties, heinous bridesmaid dresses, inevitable bridesmaid drama, drunk bridesmaid speeches, mixed bridesmaid emotions, gross bridesmaid budgeting and weddings as the perfect storm for a low-self-esteem-high-champagne-intake induced hookup with an over-bearing, over-opinionated, under-endowed groomsman are all wonderful topics, I won’t be touching on any of them in this post. They’ll each get their own.
This post is brought to you by the letters “M” as in “Monogamy,” “V” as in “Vows” and “F” as in “FORSAKEN ALL OTHERS.”
Here’s a spoiler alert: Wrecker is not the “Other Woman.”
Here’s a teaser to keep it interesting: Wrecker is kinda “another woman.”
Somewhere between our small talk, “How is work?” “What is the big deal with Honey Boo Boo anyway?” and “When was the last time you had sex…you know…with like a dude?” Wrecker told a cringe-worthy tale of wedded woe; the side of the story no one sees in anyone’s Facebook status updates; the side of the story that remains both timeless and taboo – the married man pursuing a single woman.
Wrecker has been actively pursued by married/otherwise unavailable men for years. She’s heard every rationale from, “I think you might be my soul-mate,” to “My wife and I just are not really connecting anymore” and, “But….please?” In each case, Wrecker has slammed the breaks on and walked towards her own cold shower with her head held high.
However, there are still consequences for these situations:
1) Wrecker‘s faith in the illusive “Monogamy Gene” is shaken. She asked me if fidelity is even possible nowadays or if it is one of those lofty ideals for which everyone strives and only a few very lucky and very strong people achieve.
2) Wrecker takes the heat as the enchantress, femme fatale, temptress, of lore – Ye Olde Vamp. And the wives hate her.
I didn’t know what to tell Wrecker about life-long monogamous relationships. I’m still a believer. I also believe in unicorns. I haven’t seen any of those either.
I think Facebook doesn’t help keep those vows before God and witnesses alive and well. I think being so connected to the light veil of delusional perfection known as the modern status update makes people feel like everyone is happily married but them. Which is a short skip away from “I deserve to be happy,” which lives right across the street from, “I’m going to pursue someone who will make me happy right now, instead of put up with one more sexless night.” Honestly, I wish I saw more status updates like:
Just got in a fight with the Hubby over who uses more toilet paper. He says I grossly over-use. I told him he is constantly blowing his nose, ergo using more. He said he has to blow his nose that much because I refuse to get rid of the cat he is allergic to. I said, “That cat was there for me when you weren’t! HE WAS HERE FIRST” and ran off to cry into a pint of Ben and Jerry’s, refusing to blow my nose on a square of toilet paper. He’s sleeping on the sofa tonight. I hate him.
Not being married myself, I made up that argument in my mind with my future banished-to-the-sofa-for-the-night husband. (Sorry, sweetie). Still, given my past relationships, I feel like that is a believable married argument scenario. Anyone who has been married for longer than 18 months may agree or disagree in the comments section below. Newlyweds, please hold your tongue. Crow tastes nasty and I’d hate for you to have to eat it in a few months after you’ve had your first truly insane argument.
Still, I feel like it is ok to not be perfect, and if we kept things more real online (and in reality television) we’d have more realistic expectations about relationships and maybe not be so inclined to wander as soon as the honeymoon ended…maybe.
As far as being the “Other Woman;” I told Wrecker that the best she can be is respectful of the institution of marriage and remember that man made a vow to someone else, even when he doesn’t seem to care about it. I know she’s been tempted. These dudes are married for a reason: they were at least charming, charismatic and handsome enough to trick one poor sap of a woman down the aisle, anyway. But Wrecker hasn’t given into the temptation. This isn’t because she is morally superior to anyone; but because she is a firm believer in Karma, and she doesn’t want it to come back to her in the form of Venereal Disease.
Still, I wasn’t the least bit surprised to hear that a married man who had once chased Wrecker around a block or two after a fun night on the town didn’t make it to the reception after seeing her at the wedding. There was some appropriate excuse. The reality was his wife had recognized Wrecker from Facebook.
I was kinda surprised (and disappointed) to hear that Wrecker hadn’t been punched in the face by aforementioned wife. That would have made for a way better blog post, and some unforgettable wedding portraits.
Maybe next time….
Leave a comment below for Wrecker – do you think her opinion of married men is just from a spattering of the bad apples? What’s the secret to your successful relationship? Is it all her fault that men want her in their bed? Is it all the dude’s fault? Have you ever been in her shoes?