Loves Me….Loves Me Not?

I hate it when guys complain about girls sending them mixed signals.

I hate it when I see my girlfriends agonizing over what he really meant when….

We spend so much time trying to interpret signals from the opposite sex, compulsively obsessing over what they said or how they said it or what they didn’t say or why their words and actions don’t seem to match up and the meaning between the lines. Really, we’re just making ourselves crazy, and if we don’t reality check ourselves, we’ll reach the insanity point of no return – the point where bringing home just one more needy stray kitten to join your “fury family” seems like a great idea….STOP WITH THE KITTIES BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE! It doesn’t have to be that hard.

Falling in love shouldn’t hurt! It’s FUN, which is why love has been around for thousands of years and Apple hasn’t created an iLove Ap to replace it yet.

Attraction is really simple. The laws of attraction have remained relatively unchanged since the dawn of man, minus a few tweaks here and there giving really pale, scrawny, or otherwise genetically undesirable people a chance. No caveman would want to reproduce with a woman whose hip bones stuck out like her elbows, but some modern meatheads are all about it. Thank you very much for setting that beauty standard, Calista Flockhart, Mary Kate Olsen, Lindsay Lohan, Nicole Ritchie et al.

Likewise, no cavewoman would want anything to do with a pale slender guy who can’t hunt a saber-toothed anything or defend her from pre-historic arachnids. Mmmm testosterone. However, women today will happily squash their own spiders for guys who wear eyeliner and look like Johnny Depp, Sting or Mick Jagger. Evolution. Go figure.

Still, attraction is neither an educated nor logical decision we make, it is a force driven by primal instincts and is wildly uncontrollable. Of course this does not mean we can’t control if we  act on those feelings, as in the case of my friend Wrecker.

Contrary to the popular belief that women’s lib changed the fine art of seduction and now it is entirely acceptable for women to aggressively pursue men, I don’t buy into this “New Breed of Man.” Sure, I bet men really do like it when a woman “takes charge” and leads the way straight to coitis. Everyone likes that. I don’t think that usually leads to happily ever after because in the depths of a man’s soul, there remains a spirit that refuses to be emasculated by such an aggressive woman. These men will keep a hunter’s eye open for the next big conquest.

And that isn’t bad. It’s natural. The Hunt is so much fun, why pretend we’ve evolved beyond it?

Here’s the key, though: you can’t think your way around The Hunt. You have to feel it. Now, feelings and thoughts can get pretty confused in the modern information age, so I created the below reference for my single girlfriends to help them discern the ever-nagging question, “does he like, like me?” Ladies, feel free to transpose it onto an index card and carry it around with you everywhere. I know we all need a sanity check now and then. You’re welcome.

Things A Guy May Say or Do That Do NOT Mean “I Love You”

1. Holds your hand – he might just be scared to cross the street.

2. Cuddles with you all night – he might just be a cuddly dude.

3. Says, “I love your ass” – he just likes your ass.

4. Says, “I’ve been thinking about you all day” – he probably was thinking about you all day. He’s probably really horny by now.

5. Looks deep into your eyes, pulls your head back and kisses you passionately – he’s just really good at what he does. Really good.

6. Calls you a cute pet name like, “Honey, Sweetie, Baby, Beautiful, or Princess” – meaningless. So meaningless. He’ll be calling the next girl “Honey” also.

7. Holds doors open, walks on the outside of the sidewalk, hails a cab, orders a bottle of wine – he’s a gentlemen. Congrats! You really found one. Still doesn’t mean he loves you.

8. Says, “Ohhhh guuurl, I wanna make a baby with you so hard right now.” That’s code for sex. Not love.

9. Says, “You make me feel different than any girl ever has.” Nope. Not love. Different does not = love.

10. Buys you stuff. Close to love, but no cigar.

11. Texts you just to say “hi.”

12. Writes you a really sweet poem called “Butterfly,” reads it to you and kisses you. Still no “I love you”

13. Has really intense and passionate sex with you. This does not mean you have a “real connection.” It means he’s a great lay. And you are too, sweetheart. You are too. Does not mean love though.

14. Asks if he can come over at 11:00 p.m. – say no.

15. Gives you any variation of the following compliments: you’re real marriage material, you’re such a nice girl, you’re perfect.

Every girl wants to hear she is perfect. Every guy knows that. Don’t let him use it against you. You’re not perfect. And you know what, that’s ok! Just keep on being your imperfect self.

One day, someone will tell you that you are not perfect; that maybe you talk too much at inappropriate times and that you drive around with your foot partially depressing the clutch and that is super bad for your transmission (apparently) and that you really need to remember to feed your dog like EVERY DAY, but they love you. Really love you in the “I can’t imagine my life without you in it, I don’t mind feeding your dog for you, I think your snarky jokes are funny, I’m probably going to encourage you to get a car with an automatic transmission next time, let me take the garbage out for you, and even if I can’t stand to cuddle against your nuclear-powered butt at night because it makes me sweaty, I can’t stand to not feel you near me and that’s a problem I’m happy to spend the rest of my life solving” kinda way.

This real love thing sounds so simple now, right? There is just one more trick, even nastier than the “You’re perfect” line.  Sometimes not even the words, “I love you” really mean I love you. They mean, “I wanna have sex with you,” or “Crap, you just said you loved me, guess I gotta say it back now,” or even, “Please don’t cry. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DO NOT CRY!!”

So, be careful, be wise, but don’t give up. I believe love is out there. Just like unicorns. Gotta keep looking. Gotta keep hoping.

Looks like love, right?


About ermodi

i like champagne and nachos. i watch people’s mouths move when they talk to me and judge if they are a good kisser i like to write with fine-tip Sharpies because i think it makes me look confident i bite my nails i think doing the dishes is a very lonely chore i think “autumn” is the prettiest word in the English language. i believe in love – or, at least something that resembles love, but i don’t trust this idea of forever.
This entry was posted in Love Advice, My Dog Loves Me, SWF Seeking and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to Loves Me….Loves Me Not?

  1. Pamela says:

    I love this post :-). Really, really love it.

  2. I only like this post as a friend.

  3. Jim Brandano says:

    lol I love this and I’m a guy been married 25 years but still !!!!!! Really funny and so true, I’m guessing ??? loll

  4. sweet and funny — the ‘do not mean love’ list is right on!

  5. TWM says:

    I’ve expressed ALL FIFTEEN of the above during the same relationship because I really felt it. Because she made me feel like Superman. Because I was done looking, and happy. And do you know what happened? “She wasn’t sure.” The ball is in your court, ladies. Remember the man store.

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