Merde to All the Exams!

‘Tis the season:

I’ve been wearing the same sweats for going on 10 days now.

My nails are bitten down to the quick and there is an enormous spot on my chin that I can’t stop picking at.

I’ve cried twice this week; once because Huckleberry was taking too long to find a suitable place to drop a deuce on his evening walk, and once when I couldn’t pronounce the word Nitroimidazoles at the end of a 6-hour group study session and decided I “just don’t know anything.”

Diagnosis: Acute case of Examitis

My baby sister Mugs is also suffering examitis over in Oregon. Today, she confessed to eating her oatmeal with a 1/4 tsp measuring spoon because she hasn’t done dishes in over a week. Then, she sent me a picture that would make our mother proud:


Ha! Joke’s on you, Mugface! Mom reads my blog!

As any big sister would do, I replied with a picture of my clean kitchen to shame her.

2014-12-09 16.15.56

Of course, while my dishes may be washed and drying, I also informed her that I had likely failed a test in which I simply had to correctly put on gloves and I’d eaten a packet of instant miso soup for breakfast this morning with a reheated cup of coffee I’d brewed the day before yesterday. So, I’m pretty much failing everything but dishes and counter tops.

We both agreed that finals week can be rough. No matter what, you always seem to come up a bit short: short on time, short on groceries, short on patience, short on cash…

Speaking of short on cash, I’ve gotten some criticism from the peanut gallery for being cheap with the central heating:

2014-12-09 13.28.57

That look kinda says it all, doesn’t it? I told him that, until he went and found a job, he should be happy with his hot water bottle and that lots of beagles live outside in the elements without blankets and hot water bottles!

The cat is always a bit more discrete with his fears of death by hypothermia:

2014-12-03 21.51.23

Overall, they are good study partners. When the cat isn’t sitting on my notes purring and the dog isn’t asking to go for a walk just as I’m hitting my stride with pharmacology, anyway.

Well, I should get back to my revision. Our exam tomorrow is pretty much over every single disease process that can happen in every single system within the body. This means there’s always something new and exciting to learn when I look at my notes! Like, male rats, mice and horses don’t have nipples, or how the pathological implications of bacteria in the pregnant uterus should most definitely not be considered appropriate reading material while eating. Retained placenta and Ramen don’t mix.

To all my fellow students, ma Poulette used to never let me wish her luck before exams, as (she told me) in France, you just wish people merde!

So Merde to all of you this week! Merde to exams! Merde to students and “real grown ups” alike! And if you are in vet school, I’m going to wish you a very special Merde for our exam tomorrow, I wish you Cyanthostomosis (page 116 of our notes). You’re welcome.

(PS if you don’t have a strong stomach, I wouldn’t suggest you googling that….)



About ermodi

i like champagne and nachos. i watch people’s mouths move when they talk to me and judge if they are a good kisser i like to write with fine-tip Sharpies because i think it makes me look confident i bite my nails i think doing the dishes is a very lonely chore i think “autumn” is the prettiest word in the English language. i believe in love – or, at least something that resembles love, but i don’t trust this idea of forever.
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3 Responses to Merde to All the Exams!

  1. Catherine Dixon says:

    Does Molly’s kitchen seriously look like that? I will need to have a long talk with her when she comes home on Christmas Break. Your Mother.

  2. TWM says:

    Sorry I can’t afford a plane ticket right now; I’d clean house top to bottom and make some basic dishes for a couch to crash on. Keep your head up, Pippi. Remember you’re living the dream! 🙂

  3. Love when I receive one of your columns. Maureen! Your standard humor is in full bloom here and I found myself laughing out load numerous times while reading this one.

    Good stuff as always.


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